Thanks to a lot of love and support from a lot of people dear to me, I survived another October 20th. I lost Michael Richard Schultze, the first man who ever loved me right, on October 20, 2010. I lost my father on October 20, 2011. Last October 20, I stayed in my pajamas all day, waiting for the next crisis to befall me.
This year, I approached October 20 with a new attitude. I girded myself with weeks of journaling, meditation, prayer, and daily trips to the beach. I had a very cathartic counseling session ten days ago. I made sure my Habibi was coming over to distract me on the 20th. And he did distract me -- he sat on my sofa with my head in his lap, stroking my hair and saying really funny things, for two hours. I really love this man.
I also made a list of everything I feel guilty about with regard to my relationships with Michael and with my father -- all this unnecessary baggage I've been carrying around. Things like, I was impatient when Michael told a story. He liked to paint a picture when he told a story. I just wanted a snapshot. And now I regret that.
So anyway, I made this list. And then I burned the list -- safely, in a glass bowl, in the back yard. And then I took those ashes and scattered them at the lighthouse pier on Pratt Avenue beach -- the same place I scattered Michael's ashes in the spring of 2011. And it felt really cleansing; really freeing. Because I don't need that guilt anymore. I need to celebrate the lives -- no longer mourn the deaths -- of these two men who were so integral in shaping the woman that I have become.
I still love them both dearly, and I think of them every day, but with the release of that outdated guilt, I can think of them with a smile on my face.
So that's the news for now. I'm dressing at the opera tonight, but I'm pretty sure Emily will be stitching at Grace & Leavitt Tavern at 7. If not, her adorable and entertaining husband Matt will be behind the bar, so you can just hang with him! I'll be back at RPH on Wednesday night. Until Wednesday, as always, Peace, (radical) Love, and Yarn! XOXOXO